so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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