There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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