Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
