theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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