So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
