I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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