woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
So squirting runs in the family.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Rumble strips road head = magical
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
