the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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