Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
