I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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