I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
