just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
is this the sara with the beer cane?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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