drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
