so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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