I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
