I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
