At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
