there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
