If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
