apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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