he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
