told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.