If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?