I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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