its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
