we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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