he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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