The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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