Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Randomize
