I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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