I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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