ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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