Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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