Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
