You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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