I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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