take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
