gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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