i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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