my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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