I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
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But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
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So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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