so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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