Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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