even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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