Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
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