Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
