Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
