I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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