I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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