I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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