Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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