I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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