I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Randomize
