I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
