omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
this boner is exhausting
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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