I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
