omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i would punch a child for taco bell
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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