FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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