i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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