I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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