I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
